7 Things That Sting

1. burnin your bollocks with cigarette ash
when i sit on the toilet doin the mornin purge and there's no ashtray, it's natural to just ash it into the toilet. sometimes though, a lapse in concentration will result in a most unpleasant sensation -when you brush the fag accidentally against your scrotum. think of the sound of how a cigarette extinguishes itself on a wet surface. hear that crisp sizzlin? that's the sound of hot ash against one of the most sensitive parts of the male anatomy. if i were a painter, it would be a picture of millions of tadpoles screamin behind the hot wall of a burnin house.

2. 3% national swing from Labour to Conservative
of the already pathetic-though-improved 61.3% turnout, 35.2% voted labour. examinin this chart, one has to wonder if the requisite composition rule for mandate should be revised. how can a party with 35.2% of 61.3% total existin votes form a government? it effectively means more than a third of the people couldn't be arsed to vote, and of those who DID, only a third wanted labour. i could be wrong about this. the thing is, these stats can hurt even me, a foreign student, so what would the english citizen feel? it's your birthright mate, do somethin!

3. missin a penalty
just had to say it again i'm sorry. right there at the heart.

4. livin in barking, london
i have a friend whose brother lives in barking. i've been there only once and that's already one time too many. accordin to some report i vaguely remember it is the constituency with the highest number or percentage of BNP (british national party for you lot foreign to the uk) voters in the country i think. this fella livin there is already sufferin from a multitude of problems rangin from poor exam results, stress, anxiety, loneliness, isolation and financial instability to perceived manic depression and a problem with makin friends. now he's spent two years already in the worst place i can think of for a person with his problems. one lonely, shy chink with no friends in a place with a 5000-strong legion of BNP supporters is a surefire recipe for doom. last i heard, he's on the verge of breakin down.

5. wasabi
truly the wolf's kryptonite, down to the colour even. in my time, i've eaten some evil things but nothin comes close to the foulness of this japanese abomination. each time i'm at a sushi bar, i would look at the wasabi jar from a distance and say in a solemnly ominous manner, "there is evil there that does not sleep". i'm acquirin the taste for parmesan and i'm tryin to defeat all the remainin minions of anti-christ formaggio mel seems to bring home each time he goes back to sicily. i've defeated the oriental demon translated as "smelly beancurd", a native of hong kong. and yes, the name is there for a damned good reason. i've defeated so many evils but i just have no answer for wasabi. just a whiff of that crazy shit and i faint. smear some wasabi on a naked, sex-starved halley berry and i would leave her well alone. as kryptonite is to superman and sulphur is to snakes, so apparently is wasabi to wolves.

6. fallin from a dangerous height without bendin your knees
the male g-spot will hurt like a mother. believe me.

7. tattooin your armpit
this is purportedly the most painful part to do a tattoo on, beatin the penis and nipples even. i have no experience but this is what i read. no, really...i really have no experience. i swear i just read it...

ciao.

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Word Of The Wolf today is claque \KLACK\,

noun:
1. A group hired to applaud at a performance.
2. A group of fawning admirers.

"I find many similarities between the street claque in The Emperor's New Clothes and the nodding yes-men at an established artist's painting."

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Claque comes from French, from claquer, "to clap," ultimately of imitative origin.