and in the spirit of further self-pity, i'd like to vent my frustration on my continual benevolence to the good denizens of this earth and how it always ends up bein rewarded in treason, apathy and even suspicion. i will first establish how very genuine my benevolence is indeed and then how even this self-proclaimed level of virtuousity is met with disappointment.
you see, an act of virtue is de facto almost always selfish. for even if you didn't expressly hope for a positive monetary reward or any other thing materially favourable, there are reasons why one does good which cannot be completely altruistic.
if you saved a cat from bein run over by a truck, a few 'benevolent' reasons may underpin the construction of the act. suppose you did it out of compassion -praise you, such a nice, kind fellow. however, can you accept the possibility that this compassion for a defenseless animal may have risen from the need to appear compassionate, if not to others, especially to yourself? sure you might not have done it to impress your girlfriend or show your in-law what a kind soul you are, but could it not be that even if no one was lookin, or if there was no one there even, you had to do it because of your naggin conscience? if you drove on, you'd dream of kitten pancakes for the next ten years. or your daughter could home home the next day with an adopted cat yellin "look dad! meet Pancake, my new pet!" thus it becomes possible that it wasn't important whether the cat survived, but merely that you performed an act of rescue, to please the conscience in you!
so now let's suppose you saved the cat because you really, really wanted to save the cat. you wanted the cat to live. you didn't care if no one was goin to acknowledge you for it, or that anyone would give you a medal of honour for it, or that the damn cat would give a faint meow and die in your car soon thereafter. you really, really just wanted to save an animal from certain death. pleased with yourself that you did the best you could, you drove on, knowin that you've done good.
what if the damn cat scratched your bollocks to bits in a state of shock? would you feel as if the cat had been ungrateful, vasectomisin its saviour like that in the most unconventional operation possible? would you feel betrayed?
or what if the cat just got out of your car when you got home and disappeared? and suppose this was a talkin cat with human intelligence, would you have expected a thank you? or a month's free rat-extermination service maybe? would not gettin these things disappoint you? that the cat just didn't care?
and let's go one step further with the talkin cat -what if the cat thinks you saved it because you wanted stir-fried kitten for dinner, meowed some feline vulgarities at you and left you in disgust? and the next day you come home to 'cat-eater!' scratched across the door of your new beamer. your genuine act of kindness now greeted with suspicion and contempt, would you feel short-changed maybe?
OKAY. you say you don't. you excuse the cat for mutilatin your member because it's a fuckin animal in shock. and if the cat talked, you excuse the cat's apathy because it was probably a ghetto cat with no proper upbringin in a rough neighbourhood. bad cat parents, whatever. you also excuse the cat for thinkin you had ulterior motives for savin it because hey, the world's a rough place, and cynicism saves lives.
you were just happy you did what you could to save the cat, irrespective of the unfavourable consequences.
NOW, imagine you go through this EVERY FUCKIN DAY.
yes, every fuckin day there is a cat chewin on your balls right after you saved it from a chargin truck. every fuckin day, there is an old lady who looks at you weird and guards her handbag extra closely right after you helped her cross the road. every fuckin day, you talk to friends who systematically forget the unconditional friendship you showed them only to come crawlin back to you when they need a favour. and imagine every fuckin day, you give and you give your bleedin heart away, and people (and animals, too) take turns breakin it. to microscopic pieces. and then the next day, a further nuclear fission to decimate those cardiac cells proper. just to make sure.
man you've gotta show me someone who can do this every day, and i'll show you mother teresa. and she's a canonised saint.
one should do good because one wants to. but no one should be tested so vigourously on one's virtues. if i'm better than the non-bitter, forgive-and-forget average joe and i ain't no saint, bein in the middle is truly, truly tirin.
and so i conclude ; it's no wonder why people turn bad -because bein good, even if you ain't askin anythin in return for it, is truly fuckin tirin.
ciao.
________________________________________________________
Word Of The Wolf today is connubial \kuh-NOO-bee-ul; -NYOO-\,
adjective: Of or pertaining to marriage, or the marriage state; conjugal; nuptial.
"Wed as teenagers in Kuala Lumpur, my parents' connubial collaboration had a second result: me and, a year after my birth, a spectacularly suspicious sequel, my sister, Zamrud."
________________________________________________________
Connubial comes from Latin conubialis, from conubium, "marriage, intermarriage," from con-, "with, together" + nubere, "to veil, to marry." It is related to nubile, "of an age suitable for marriage; hence, sexually mature and attractive."
