I Fight The Weather

yesterday the bbc promised me sunshine but all i see today are these bastard yorkshire clouds. i am extremely miserable at the moment.

you see, we all know that science says sunlight on your skin produces the nutrition that makes you happy along with other sources such as fish liver oil, chocolate etc. but havin no sunlight at all is just a pain in the anus. i wonder, are there happy people in siberia or reykjavik? there must be. still it makes no damned difference to me because i am malaysian and i see more sunlight in a week back home than i do in an entire england year.

in yorkshire, we have more than six minutes of sunshine in a winter's day. just the other day i witnessed approximately eight minutes of it, i swear. however, some ungrateful people still complain -the people who bury themselves in the ground every winter to hibernate like freshwater fish during a dry season. their spouses or children usually wake them up come spring. you know, splash on some water, acme-like thing they do in the roadrunner cartoons.

as for me, i have a very standard routine. in the mornin, i'd wake and before i have my cigarette, i'd use the lighter to thaw the ice around my eyelashes and also between my fingers and toes. next, i'd open the room door and use a shovel to clear the snow to make a path to the bathroom. there, i'd take my mornin piss but i always have to make sure the water in the toilet bowl is slightly warm for if not, my piss may crystallise upon contact and freeze all the way up to my john thomas. it's true, i have a video proof. movin on, i'd take a shower by scaldin myself with boiling water. yes, it's necessary for the cold. all nice and clean and burnt, i'd then put on my eskimo suit i imported off ebay iceland. six inches of pure whale blubber. aaaaaahhh what a fuzzy warm feelin... the evil winter cannot reach me now!

sometimes, you might have to stick your arm in the oven or the fireplace because your blood gets frozen in your sleep. i got this on a nationwide advertisement on telly, a short-term fix really, if you couldn't get medical help immediately. you see, the problem is the NHS ambulances take too long to come because they're usually frozen at the wheels. the medics also have to worry about defreezin blocks of petrol formed overnight in the tank.

these days, the people from the morgue are makin mornin rounds on every street to collect the people who died overnight. smart businessmen they are. if you have more than one family member dead you get a family discount too, but you must show identification.

so you see, amidst these appallin conditions, it's very important to pray to the good lord for your safety and wellbein every day. you never know the hour for when an unexpected gust of wind may blow through that two inch gap at the window and your lungs might spontaneously freeze and you die of instant suffocation as you are innocently makin a cup of latte macchiato. and you haven't even added the sugar.

i pray everyday.

ciao.

p/s comin soon: a poem inspired from the bastard cold of yorkshire titled I Fight The Weather! watch this space!
_________________________________________________________

Word Of The Wolf today is sagacious \suh-GAY-shus\,

adjective:

Of keen penetration and judgment; discerning and judicious; knowing; shrewd; wise.

"The hapless students of Sheffield, sagacious as they are in so many an academic field, failed to pay heed to Weylin's simple warning about the blizzard, thereupon dying from the cold on the way to the University."

_________________________________________________________
Sagacious derives from Latin sagax, "keen; shrewd; clever."